Once I started radically doing things differently in my life, eliminating old patterns and biases, I started connecting with friends in a different way. One way I connected with them was about our pasts and how we got to be the way we are. In other words, what past events shaped us today, triggered current behaviours and reactions.
One deeply inherent bias I learned I had, which was particularly hard to get over, was the bias that Asians just care about education, money and status.
Growing up in a town about an hour north of Toronto, I was removed enough from the diversity of Toronto to where I was one of only maybe four Canadian born Chinese (CBC) people in high school. To me, it seemed all my Caucasian peers' parents seemed cool while mine weren't.
Theirs would say "I love you" and be positive and encouraging. Theirs allowed them to live their lives. Mine drilled me like a sargeant on getting perfect grades so I can go to university and make a lot of money afterward. And they didn't let me go out because the outside world was "dangerous."
When I began connecting with friends on these deeper matters and sharing my own past, I was surprised how many of my CBC peers had similar upbringings as mine, and turned out similarly to me. They also had strict unemotional parents, enforcing a culture valuing education and work, who sheltered them as adolescents, leading to social awkwardness and lack of self esteem. This led me to forming and reinforcing many negative stereotypes about my ethnic peers.
But over time as I became better at seeing through my own biases, I realized that many other friends, not just CBC's, had the same issues. I began noticing another pattern...
It's not just the crazy rich Asians - it happens to all immigrant families, no matter the ethnicity or race.
See, immigrants coming to Canada usually come from poorer and more traumatic situations. You know the classic, "I arrived in America with 20 dollars to my name" story. Already toughened by past experiences, immigrants must continue to claw and grind their way to become established in their new country. Once they do, values such as hard work, education, career, and the riches attained as a result, become ingrained in them. Negative outlooks on life from their past experiences are often retained, instilling traits such as cynicism and fear.
When they have children, referred to as the first generation, they try naturally to infuse them with the same values and traits. Unfortunately, this to a large degree doesn't work, because the values and traits they honed from their origin country are in direct conflict with the country their children grow up in.
The children of immigrants get to move up on Maslow's hierarchy. Not having to worry about food and shelter, they graduate to higher level needs such as belonging and self actualization.
What brought immigrants success and happiness in Canada, hard work and material comfort, won't also work for their children. Their strict parenting style similarly doesn't align with the more lenient style of Canadian parenting - the tensions arisen from this produce a first generation of Canadians, like myself, confused and traumatized.
Now I have to admit, this first generation crisis is probably still a bit more extreme with Chinese Canadian families.
Here's one grand observation, hope you can see the link: the Chinese civilization has had one of the steadiest empires in the past millenia. The dynasties of the past, up to the current communist government, have learned to wield excessive power over its people, creating a culture of submission, collectivism and hard work. That to me is why Chinese people, young and old, tend to be quiet, overly polite and socially awkward.
The crazy rich Asian phenomenon is also exacerbated by the fact that fortune plays an emphasized role in Chinese culture. And China has in recent decades become stinking rich and many of their rich citizens move to cities like Vancouver or Toronto. Toronto alone is home to over 1 million ethnic Chinese!
Many rich Asians just stay in China and send their spoiled kids to these cities for university, giving them Lamborghinis to drive! I once had a conversation with someone who worked at a luxury car wash in Toronto - the vast majority of clients at this car wash were Asian boys. These rich kids form the extreme end of the stereotype of the crazy rich Asians!
Okay, I'm getting carried away a bit... the point is that the first generation crisis exists across many different cultures within Canada. It's not just the crazy rich Asians! But it sort of is, too...
I hope I don't sound bitter about my upbringing - in the end, I'm definitely happy to be born Canadian. And while I struggled with cultural tension growing up, I eventually escaped in a big way and have largely come to acceptance about my past and my culture.
The sooner that my first generation peers, whether it is in Canada or any other developed nation, become aware of this, the sooner we can resolve these cultural tensions, figure out what balance of values we want to live by, and forgive our parents and accept them for their differences.
One deeply inherent bias I learned I had, which was particularly hard to get over, was the bias that Asians just care about education, money and status.
Growing up in a town about an hour north of Toronto, I was removed enough from the diversity of Toronto to where I was one of only maybe four Canadian born Chinese (CBC) people in high school. To me, it seemed all my Caucasian peers' parents seemed cool while mine weren't.
Theirs would say "I love you" and be positive and encouraging. Theirs allowed them to live their lives. Mine drilled me like a sargeant on getting perfect grades so I can go to university and make a lot of money afterward. And they didn't let me go out because the outside world was "dangerous."
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| My family and I enjoying a little down time |
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| I was moulded to be in a suit, but I renounced it for more colourful attire. |
When I began connecting with friends on these deeper matters and sharing my own past, I was surprised how many of my CBC peers had similar upbringings as mine, and turned out similarly to me. They also had strict unemotional parents, enforcing a culture valuing education and work, who sheltered them as adolescents, leading to social awkwardness and lack of self esteem. This led me to forming and reinforcing many negative stereotypes about my ethnic peers.
But over time as I became better at seeing through my own biases, I realized that many other friends, not just CBC's, had the same issues. I began noticing another pattern...
It's not just the crazy rich Asians - it happens to all immigrant families, no matter the ethnicity or race.
See, immigrants coming to Canada usually come from poorer and more traumatic situations. You know the classic, "I arrived in America with 20 dollars to my name" story. Already toughened by past experiences, immigrants must continue to claw and grind their way to become established in their new country. Once they do, values such as hard work, education, career, and the riches attained as a result, become ingrained in them. Negative outlooks on life from their past experiences are often retained, instilling traits such as cynicism and fear.
When they have children, referred to as the first generation, they try naturally to infuse them with the same values and traits. Unfortunately, this to a large degree doesn't work, because the values and traits they honed from their origin country are in direct conflict with the country their children grow up in.
The children of immigrants get to move up on Maslow's hierarchy. Not having to worry about food and shelter, they graduate to higher level needs such as belonging and self actualization.
 |
| Toronto, a diverse city of immigrants raising their kids with old values |
What brought immigrants success and happiness in Canada, hard work and material comfort, won't also work for their children. Their strict parenting style similarly doesn't align with the more lenient style of Canadian parenting - the tensions arisen from this produce a first generation of Canadians, like myself, confused and traumatized.
Now I have to admit, this first generation crisis is probably still a bit more extreme with Chinese Canadian families.
Here's one grand observation, hope you can see the link: the Chinese civilization has had one of the steadiest empires in the past millenia. The dynasties of the past, up to the current communist government, have learned to wield excessive power over its people, creating a culture of submission, collectivism and hard work. That to me is why Chinese people, young and old, tend to be quiet, overly polite and socially awkward.
The crazy rich Asian phenomenon is also exacerbated by the fact that fortune plays an emphasized role in Chinese culture. And China has in recent decades become stinking rich and many of their rich citizens move to cities like Vancouver or Toronto. Toronto alone is home to over 1 million ethnic Chinese!
Many rich Asians just stay in China and send their spoiled kids to these cities for university, giving them Lamborghinis to drive! I once had a conversation with someone who worked at a luxury car wash in Toronto - the vast majority of clients at this car wash were Asian boys. These rich kids form the extreme end of the stereotype of the crazy rich Asians!
 |
| I may be a crazy, but I'm not rich. |
Okay, I'm getting carried away a bit... the point is that the first generation crisis exists across many different cultures within Canada. It's not just the crazy rich Asians! But it sort of is, too...
I hope I don't sound bitter about my upbringing - in the end, I'm definitely happy to be born Canadian. And while I struggled with cultural tension growing up, I eventually escaped in a big way and have largely come to acceptance about my past and my culture.
The sooner that my first generation peers, whether it is in Canada or any other developed nation, become aware of this, the sooner we can resolve these cultural tensions, figure out what balance of values we want to live by, and forgive our parents and accept them for their differences.
Wow. This is a great post! So glad I took the 2 minutes to read it. Definitely resonates with my experience, and sheds light on my constant confusion about my place.
ReplyDeleteIf I reach out to just one person, then my goal is accomplished. Thanks!
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