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Monday, 7 March 2016

My Emotional Big Bang Theory

spirit - from the latin word spiritus, meaning to breathe


The previous year, and especially the last 5 months spent in Vancouver, has been both a very trying and enlightening period for me.
Me during my spiritual journey in India
I have been through a lot, learned a lot about myself and reached new limits of personal wisdom. This is not to say that I am wise, for my personal wisdom does not apply to most people's lives, but can certainly be helpful to those following similar paths.

My own wisdom consists of a passion to learn and experience as much as I possibly can about life as we know it, and a low tolerance for apathy which hampers growth. This has motivated me to an abundance of new experiences, and justifies the nomadic, if somewhat erratic, path in life I have chosen.

In Vancouver, the aspect of my being which I learned to fully embrace is my emotions. My emotional strength manifested from living in the collective house, and stepped up to tackle the sustained drama over the 5 months I resided there.

Throughout this time, I can say with conviction I held the house together, managing combustible personalities and facilitating open communication. I called upon my patience, empathy and listening, skills I gained from past experiences. Meanwhile, I carried out many ongoing responsibilities for the house such as managing the waste (a tall task with Vancouver's standards), furnishing the house and organizing house meetings.

My ongoing faith in the house eventually paid off, as everything I gave to the house, I started getting back in love and positive energy. We started sharing food, laughter, creative energy, and good memories. I proved to myself my level of dedication to community, and learned the strengths and limits of my emotional intelligence. I observed how my vulnerability and faith won the house over, while others' stubbornness and power-over tactics led to tension and, ultimately, their eviction.
Slacklining with Louis
By the end of my time in Vancouver, the house's favourite activity bonded us together, more like a family than just housemates. It also played a key role in my spiritual awakening, like an emotional big bang, opening up new regions of my inner universe.

That activity was, that's right, doing mushrooms.

Though surprised you might be, controlled doses of psychedelic drugs such as mushrooms, acid (LSD) and ayahuasca have been proven in studies to expand the human consciousness and, in many cases, cure addictions and chronic depression.

Of course, they can be used irresponsibly. But the negative impact is given too much focus, leading to misconceptions about psychedelics. The main reason psychedelics are illegal is because they are natural remedies that big pharma cannot control and profit from. Just like marijuana, and the tide is turning for this plant also.

Tripping on mushrooms is an experience impossible to communicate to others who have never done it before - it is also a very individual experience that depends on how you feel and where you are at the time of consumption. All I can share is my own experience - beautiful vivid moving colours, out-of-body feeling of interconnectedness with my surroundings, sudden streaks of creativity, exaltant joy giving way to all out sobbing, and, ultimately, immense gratitude and love for those in my company. The net result is a 4 hour journey that leaves my emotional capacity expanded, my mind forever changed. No wonder why they call it a trip.

And no wonder the discovery of mushrooms and invention of LSD kicked off the hippie era of the 60's.
The house gathering before the mushroom trip

Me after
Brene Brown has famously written and spoken about the lack of vulnerability in our demanding society. As a result women feel like they're never enough, no matter how much they give to the people around them, and men feel pressured to act tough (code for manly) and take charge at all times. This means showing strength and assertiveness while hiding their weaknesses and patience.

I've overcome these social pressures and shamelessly embraced being an emotional man. I am highly introverted, hyper sensitive, yet I long for connection. I'm slow and thoughtful. I love, I cry. I follow my heart yet I'm still figuring things out.

And that's okay. Because I am enough.

I am comfortable with my emotions, and level of sensitivity, and see these traits of mine as strengths. I am vulnerable enough to express my emotions to the right audience. And hopefully that is you. The last bit of wisdom I want to share is this...

Knowledge without experience is simply knowledge, prone to ignorance. Knowledge with experience is true wisdom.

I am blessed with such amazing experiences that validate the footsteps I have taken and bolster me as I move forward into the unknown. Now in Lake Louise, my roommate places her spirituality in the Rocky Mountains in our backyard. I will also draw inspiration from nature's cathedrals and monuments of rock and ice.
Skiing at Lake Louise resort, a 5 minute drive from my home
First time ski touring!


  1. I like your writing style.

  2. Thank you for sharing this. I happened to read this particular entry in your blog at a time when it's among the most relevant things I could have read. I mean, you've admitted to being vulnerable. You've embraced your vulnerability. The tactics I have developed over many years to cover up my vulnerability all crumbled apart in a terrific display of sensitivity and desperation last week, so that for a period of time I was too crumpled to be able to hide myself behind coldness as I usually would. After relating the incident to a loved one, I was told to get a hold of myself, to not
    be desperate. But I realized, I *am* desperate. I think humans are desperate creatures. We crave connection. That doesn't mean we should change to please others, or that we should settle for less in our connections. It just means that we are desperate, we are needy, we are vulnerable. I agree with you that this is a strength...sort of. It's an expansion of one's capacity. One has a far greater capacity to be moved by the world when one is vulnerable.

    Interesting words on psychedelics.

    1. Thanks for your response Samantha.

      We are only desperate for connection because modern culture has broken these connections, and given value to powerful individualism. Yet our very biology craves connection.

      In terms of changing to please others, this needs to be more specific: it's important to compromise and adapt to enhance your community, or to achieve harmony. However, one should not compromise one's core values just to please others, or to satisfy a certain image.

      I'm still experimenting on psychedelics, and I can only say they continue to expand my consciousness and show me the beautiful possibilities of life. I am not using them irresponsibly, nor getting addicted or dependent. In this way only, everyone should try them.